I’m a believer in not threatening your kids with something that you wouldn’t really do if it came down to it. For example, it drives me crazy when I hear parents say they are going to leave their kids in the store if they don’t come right now. Seriously. Are you really going to leave your kid at the store? I don’t think so. I understand that there are people do this and it works for them {a good friend of mine does because her son comes the instant it is said because he is so afraid of being left, and hey, we don’t have to agree on everything. I still like her.} This wouldn’t work for my kids. They would see if I was serious. And when they realized I wasn’t going to leave them at the store all my other forms of discipline would seem like a game.
Saturday is bedroom-cleaning-day at our house. My oldest refused to do this. It seems like we are constantly fighting so I gave up. I told him that his choices were 1) clean his room or 2) leave it and let me clean it but if I cleaned it, there would be no toys left in it.
He chose #2. I don't think he thought I would go through with it.
So today when I had 1.5 hours to myself, I cleaned his room. I threw away a bunch of junk and took all the toys out. There are no more legos, Lincoln logs, trucks, stuffed animals, crayons, paper, etc. All that’s left are clothes, books and beds. (I didn’t throw them away…just moved them out.)
I’m dreading when he gets home from school in two hours. I can all ready hear the “I hate you!”’s that are going to come. But, I had to follow through. I had to. Otherwise, he wouldn’t take me seriously on anything. I’m just tired of hearing “I hate you.” Please tell me I did the right thing. Being a mom is so hard.
I’m whining. Sorry. Wish me luck with this afternoon. Happy Monday.
20 comments:
Aw, hate you's are hard. But look how great that room looks! Ahhhh.
PS I do leave my kids. I mean not drive away, but I walk out the door and leave them standing there. They always run after me so I've never had to really follow through with driving away. But if I saw a mom get in her car and start it up after threatening her child, I'd totally applaud her. (If she really drove away, I'd totally call CPS, but first applaud.)
I love that you did that. Good luck surviving.
You absolutely did the right thing! I followed through on a threat when my girls were much younger (I think 4 and 2? Maybe?) and threw all of their crayons in the garbage can.
I may have to do it again, I think. Follow through on something big. But for the most part --that memory is instilled in their minds! They usually know I'm serious.
The next time your son yells "I hate you!" Give him time to cool down and then say:
"Do you really hate me? Or just what happened?" It might be a good teaching moment for him to realize that his anger is about something he can actually be allowed to be angry about. Does that make sense?
Good luck!
I almost always follow through with punishments for the same reason -- my kids would completely call my bluff.
BUT, I am totally guilty of telling my kids I'm leaving without them when they don't come. And it works for us. Maybe that's because I follow through with everything else so they don't dare test me on this one? Who knows, but it works for me.
Following through takes guts. Way to go, Mom.
I hope this afternoon goes well. You are a fantastic mom! After he realizes that you are serious about what you say and follow through, and after he's truly remorseful and wants his stuff back,,,maybe he can 'earn it back'. Like lincoln logs = raking the lawn, etc, maybe he can't play with sibling toys either (see I'm a mean mom here too: ) unless he does service for them. It will be interesting to see how it turns out. I'm currently trying to draft an email to a teacher than said we were too lenient on our last (well...almost last : 0) son and though we maybe did OK on our first two, we didn't with this one. HELLO?! I was so angry when I heard this, I couldn't respond. We have SO been as 'mean' as possible with little result. Anyway...hope all goes well!
Doing the right thing can be so hard! Good for you for following through. You've just reinforced that you mean what you say. I agree that he should have to earn back anything he wants.
I've never threatened to leave my kids behind (I've learned the hard to only give options I'm comfortable with) but I do frequently tell the girls (and their friends!) that I will bite their toes off. They know I won't, but that this is the cue to straighten up before I really get do angry.
I hope it didn't go to badly when you son got home. Just remember that you are bringing up responsible young children.
I'm cheering from here! I know that you did the correct thing because as moms we do have to follow thru -- even when we know it's gonna be hard and unpleasant. That's how we teach.
Hang in there! I promise it gets easier!
Good for you Mom!!
My neice did this with her daughter after fighting with her to clean her room to no avail. She bagged up all the toys and put them in the garage and made her earn them back a few at a time. There was never another conflict over room cleaning.
Good for you!! That is one of the hardest parts of being a parent. I really have to think about the consequence before I say it. So where did you hide the toys? someplace really good? Hope all went well!
When I wouldn't keep my room clean my mom took the door off the hinges. It was the worst possible punishment for me. I loved my privacy. Totally worked though!
This is a good one. All the comments too. You completely did the right thing. You have to follow through. And I agree with your philosophy of not saying anything you aren't willing on following through with. I take toys away all the time. They go in the garage or my closet and they have a week to earn them back. One chore for each toy. And I mean business with it too. They have to do something like unload the dishwasher for one toy. They HATE earning them back. They have shown remarkable improvement in the area of cleaning their rooms though. Also, I only keep the toys for 1 week. They know they have one week to earn them back. I figure if they don't do it and forget about it then the toys weren't missed and they shouldnt have them anyway.
So I'm totally curious. How did it go? I am totally impressed that you followed through!!
So....How'd it go? I hope you follow up with your blogging friends so we can all say NICE WORK! Yes, we do have to follow through.
I completely agree with having to follow through on threats. I'm not perfect and some times I don't, but I really try to keep my promise and follow through. If not, how will they learn, right?
Hope it went ok! Good job sticking to your word.
I completely agree with having to follow through on threats. I'm not perfect and some times I don't, but I really try to keep my promise and follow through. If not, how will they learn, right?
Hope it went ok! Good job sticking to your word.
I think htat you did the right thing. My mom took toys from us if we didn't clean. That changed things quick. Especially when our favorites disappeared. I hope all went well with him.
Follow through is the ONLY way to gain respect as far as I'm concerned. We've had to be really careful, just like you say to only threaten punishments that will really happen. Otherwise what's the use? Max is a bigtime tester, so he'll always go a little too far to see if we're serious. Things have gotten a lot better since we came up with a few punishments we could go through with that would really bum him out and teach him a lesson. Such as we were all supposed to get ice cream at McDonald's but he was disobedient or something so he didn't get any. We still did. Wow was he sad and mad, but the next time I threatened that punishment he actually believed it. It felt pretty good.
We have close family members that are terrible with follow through and you can really see it in their kids.
You did the right thing! Let us know how it goes, ok?
You totally did the right thing! I am reading a pa renting book right now called "Love and Logic." It is SO good. I am learning a lot.
I absolutely agree that you should never threaten and not follow through, but I'm sure none of us is perfect in that regard. It is also important to remember when you're frustrated all the wonderful things about your kids. I raised several myself, including a daughter named Amanda. While it is true that she was easier to get along with than most, she was sometimes a challenge. The thing that always most impressed me about her when she was a child was the way she looked out for her big brother. If we had a treat and he wasn't there, she made sure that everyone understood we had to save some for him. If we were doing something fun and he was tardy, she made sure we waited. I remember always feeling a little envious and wondering if anyone looked out for me when I was a kid the way she looked out for him. I also sometimew wondered if he was good enough to her to really deserve that loyalty. There was never any question that I admired her for it, though.
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