Weight

The other night at dinner my daughter announced that the reason she doesn’t drink all of her milk at school is because it says “FAT” on it.  I was confused and asked why that mattered.  She said: If you eat fat, you get fat and I don’t want to be fat.

It just about broke my heart.  She’s six.  And she’s worried about being fat?

We’re always telling the kids that they have to drink milk – it’s good for your teeth, your bones and your muscles.  My son informed her that it says “Low Fat” but she didn’t understand what that meant. After she said that, I told her that in order to be healthy, you have to eat fat.  Just not too much.  You have to eat everything in moderation.  You can’t have too much steak (her favorite) or too much ice cream because it isn’t healthy.

All day today, I wonder if I have done and said things to make her think so much about body image at a young age.  I try to be careful to not express my disappointment with myself (I’ll be honest – I’m 30-5o pounds overweight, depending on where in the “target weight” for my height I look) in front of my kids.  In the past when I have done WW, I have been careful to not say that I am dieting, but rather trying to be healthier.  I remember saying that I was tracking my food online so that I could learn to eat better.

Today I was watching the other night’s Biggest Loser.  It’s my favorite show and I watch it religiously.  Although it really makes me think about food.  In this week’s episode one team left the “ranch” to go home for a week.  The show chronicled their journey home – the big homecoming party, the temptation, the hard work they did and then going back to the ranch at the end of the week.  The homecoming parties made me sad.  They walked in a room filled with loved ones and friends and were cheered.  It made me sad, because they cheered the number instead of loved the person.  They cheered the thinner version of the body instead of reaching out and loving the heart inside the body. 

A few weeks ago my sister invited us to go swimming with her and her son.  I didn’t want to go.  I didn’t want to get in a swimming suit.  Growing up my mom watched us from the sidelines when we would swim.  I remember wishing that she would join us.  Because of that memory, I put on my swimming suit and got in the water but it was hard.  I felt ugly.  I felt disgusted with myself.  While it’s probable that people noticed my size, no one said anything to me.  My kids didn’t notice ~ I’m their mom and they love me.

I don’t know where I’m going with these thoughts.  I know that right now, I don’t feel healthy.  I also know that I will never been skinny. I’ll never be a size 6 or 4 or 8.  I also know that I eat to mask my feelings – loneliness, guilt, anger, fear, sadness, happiness, etc; and that I have got to get it under control because instead of staying steady or losing on the scale the number is getting higher and higher.   But a part of me always wonder, why can’t I just  be happy with who I am?  Why when I eat do I feel guilt afterwards?  Why, when I eat something I shouldn’t have can’t I just move on and make a better choice next time?

In my ward, I am the Provident Living Specialist.  I did a survey to see what areas of Provident Living the sisters in my ward needed and the number one thing was physical health.  Diet.  Nutrition. Exercise. Disease Prevention. 

I was surprised that was the top thing.  I am going to focus on that for an activity in January but I’m really struggling with how to present so people will want to come and not say, “oh a class about nutrition…I think I’ll stay home instead”.  And, I think that most of the women know diet, nutrition and exercise.  For most of us, I think it is a matter of doing not knowing.  And how do we teach something that everyone all ready knows?

Like I said, I don’t know where I’m going with this.  If you have any thoughts, share ‘em.